The Zelda Trials
by Kari Phyve2nd
Summary: A bunch of stories, all totally diffrent from one another! Ch. 3 should be up now.
1. Magical Pine Tree

Story # 1 - The Magical Pine Tree  
  
In the land of Hyrule. In the Kokiri forest. There was. like. a tree, y'know.  
  
It's a kick-ay tree. Pine tree. Yep. Magical Pine Tree we calls it. It was just growing, but the pinecones fell to the ground regularly. Yeah, like any other pine tree. `Cept. they smelled really, really cool. That's where our story starts. Suprizing isn't it? It's a damn tree, you'd think we'd start with Link attacking or something. Noooo we start with a TREE! Why am I stuck doing this? GET MY LAWYER!!!  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------In the Kokiri forest. Next to a TREE.not just any tree. the magical pine tree.  
  
Link picked up a pinecone and tossed it in the air. up. Down. Up. Down. Look at it go! Whee! Um.wait, off track. Back to Link.  
  
And so Link threw the pinecone up and down ect. He noticed the unusual smell around it; it was making his head hurt. He shrugged it off and sniffed the pinecone a little; just to be sure it wasn't toxic. He smiled, considering he's too stupid to notice that it WAS toxic and picking up a bunch of them and hurrying back to the other Kokiri.and Zelda. Zelda was there cuz. well. She could be.  
  
Zelda smiled as Link returned with the funny smelling pinecones. which Link still was smelling. She blinked seeing the dazed look in his eyes. "Is something wrong, Link?" she wondered.  
  
"ARE YOU DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME!?" Link suddenly shouted, dropping the pinecones. "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?! WHAT?! TELL ME!!! WHATS THAT?! EH?! HUH?!"  
  
Zelda just sat there and stared at Link idiotically.  
  
Link's eyes suddenly started tearing. "YOU'RE SO MEAN!!" and so he ran off crying like a little girl.  
  
Zelda watched him run away in utter confusion.she shrugged it off because she's a jerk and doesn't give a crap about the damn ass hero and so she picked up a pinecone. She giggled at the strange scent of it and sniffed it again. Her head hurt, but it smelled good. She could make nice air fresheners out of these. Yes, her father really stank up the bathroom when he came out so she needed some. But she'd only take 3. Yes. 3. Good number. yeah. 3 pine cones from the magic tree. That smells good. Right.  
  
Thus Zelda picked up around 8 pinecones and walked away sniffing them.  
  
Soon Mido stumbled in on the pinecones left. He growled and picked one up and was about to chuck it into a wall before he smelt the wonderful aroma of it. "MMMMM pinecone-y." So Mido started sniffing it. Fashion trend, duuu-ude. Soon all the Kokiri were sniffing pinecones from the magical pine tree! All except one. Saria.  
  
----------------------------------------------------With Saria.who ISN'T sniffing pinecones.because she's not stupid.  
  
Saria sighed, watching her stupid friends sniff pinecones. Yes. Pinecones. Did you get the point yet? PINE. CONES. She picked one up and sniffed it herself, but she found the aroma intoxicating and she didn't like it. So she threw it.  
  
---------------------------------------------------Elsewhere in the forest.Pinecone!  
  
Mido looked up with a dazed look before getting hit in the face with a magic flying pinecone. He just smiling moronically and picked it up and shoved it in his nose.  
  
---------------------------------------------------In the underworld. Ganon doesn't own pinecones y'know. Wonder how he sniffs them.  
  
Ganon sighed at the stupidity of the Hyrulians and Kokiri. They were all sniffing pinecones. Except one, Saria. Everyone said she was stupid because she didn't like pinecones. Oh well. Back to Ganon.  
  
Ganon smirked, realizing that Zelda and Link were totally defenseless. For they too, were high on pinecones! It was the perfect opportunity! Yes, he is so eeeeeevil. Evil is heeeeeeee. They all laughed at him, but now he'd show them! He passed every exam in the school of evil people! YES THERE IS A SCHOOL FOR THAT YOU NUMBSKULLS!!! Ahem.where was I? Oh right. They're defenseless. Guess Ganon should commence the attack now.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------Kokiri forest is the first target!  
  
Moblins were attacking! Yay! Wait that's bad. AHH!.ahem.  
  
Moblins ran in with torches and started burning down trees. TREES ARE BURNING!! RUN!! Saria was the only one who wasn't running around in circles, so she commenced an attack on them. She shot them with arrows.threw boomerangs at them.but nothing seemed to work. She's an idiot, forgetting she's a sage and could probably kill them easily. Oh well. Too many pinecones.  
  
Mido accidentally ran into a Moblin, who dropped his torch. He screamed, realizing the torch would burn down the forest. "AAAHHHHH!!! DON'T BURN THE FOREST STUPID TORCHY TORCH THINGY MAJIGY!!" thus.he throws it into the lost woods.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------In the Lost Woods  
  
An innocent skull kid happened to pick up the torch. He shrieked when it burned his hand the threw it out of the lost woods.riiight into the Deku Tree. The Deku Tree would scream.but like.it's a tree. So it burned down without anyone knowing.except Saria.She noticed.cuz she ain't high.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------As Kokiri forest burns, Ganon goes to attack Hyrule castle.  
  
Ganon leaps into the Triforce.room.place.yeah. He smirked and cackled evilly, seeing no one guarding it. He figured Link and Zelda would be out destroying Moblins that were destroying the Kokiri forest. He never liked the Deku tree anyway.duh. He went to grab the Triforce of Wisdom but something stopped him. He heard Link scream, "ZELDA!! NO!! GET OFF ME!! EEEE!" Ganon chuckled to himself.  
  
"I've got to see this." He sniggered as he looked into Zelda's room. He stopped when he saw what was going on.  
  
"You hate me, don't you?! Don't you?!" Link shouted at Zelda. Zelda was sitting on his lap, all curled up, purring like a kitty. She gently nudged his face with her cheek. Link smiled again and pet her. "You LIKE me? Really? Good kitty kitty. Gooooood kitty kitty."  
  
Ganon sweatdropped. That was just.strange. When he turned back to the Triforce.chamber.y.he saw something that amused him even more.  
  
Saria held an arrow toward Ganon with a death glare. "Since Link is too stupid to notice you trying to get the Triforce of Wisdom, and Princess Zelda is too idiotic to even remind him or even stop acting like a cat.and.Link is.petting.her...." and thus Saria dropped the bow and arrow, scratching her head in utter confusion. "I don't even want to know.um.Ganon, I think I just realized that people in Hyrule are complete idiots who are totally high on pinecones."  
  
Ganon sighed. "At least there is one smart Kokiri."  
  
Saria rubbed the back of her head. "Hey. Just take the damn Triforce anyway. Not like I can kill you, I'm a weakling sage."  
  
Ganon smiled politely. "Well thank you." He said as he took the Triforce and thus proceeded to rule the land of Hyrule and soon the world. Isn't that nice. Pinecone anyone?  
  
~And thus, Ganon and Saria ruled the world as friends. Not really. Ganon just put up with Saria because she was helping him by giving him all of Link's weaknesses. Not like he wouldn't have figured them out anyway. Then Saria went and sat on a stump in the burned Kokiri forest for all eternity while Ganon poked at the Triforce and Link was enjoying his time with neko neko Zelda. The end.~  
  
(Wow. Lame isn't it? The world is ruled by a big hog and Link is stuck with Zelda for eternity. It's so sad. Link and Saria should hook up.but he's too high on pinecones. What's next? Who cares.) 


	2. Hyrule: Upside Down

The Zelda Trials  
  
Story # 2 - Hyrule Upside-down  
  
Part 1 - Link & Malon  
  
A fine day in the land of hyrule...Everyone is happy and skipping around like the idiots that they really are. All is well....that is IF YOU IGNORE THE MONSTER ATTACKING THE TOWN!!!  
  
"Don't worry Zelda! I'll protect you!" Link shouted, lunging at the monster, his sword drawn for the offensive.  
  
"Be careful, Link!" Zelda shouts to him, lifting a hand as if she might actually be able to do something....suuure.  
  
Just then, Ganondorf appears..."I've been waiting for this moment, you insolent retch!" he says, as he hits Link back with a mere swish of mighty claw through the air. "You will meet your doom, and your triforce will be of no use to you!"  
  
"Ganon! How dare you!" Zelda cries, running to Link's side. She looks up defiantly at Ganondorf, who scowls and rolls his eyes.  
  
"Ganon? My name is Ganondorf! Don't call me Ganon unless I'm in demon form, what the hell is WRONG with you Hylans?"  
  
"Don't be a smart ass, Ganon-DORK!!" Link cries, using his sword to balance himself up, before lunging for another attack.  
  
"That's it Link! He can't stand against you and the Triforce of Courage!" Zelda shouts her encouragement, only to see Link fly past her as Ganondorf smacks him backward into a tree.  
  
"Don't think that just because YOU have the Triforce of Wisdom, Princess, means that the rest of us are idiots!" Ganondorf calls to her, with a deep snarl in his voice.  
  
"Look at da treeee..." Link mutters, eyes swirling under his hat, which has fallen foreward.  
  
"Correction...at least *I'm* not an idiot."  
  
----------------After much battling and much stupidity courtesy of Link.  
  
"I'm afraid I must leave you for now, LINK...but I'll return for the Triforce once again." Ganondorf says in a growl, to the injured and downed Link. Link lifted his head, and went for his sword, but his near broken arm was holding him back.  
  
Instead of finishing off Link, Ganondorf faded into the sunset.  
  
----------------  
  
"Liiiink!!!" Zelda shouts again, walking through the castle. He'd been gone for hours after he lost to Ganondorf. No one at all had seen him. "LIIINK!!!!" She shouts again, before a little sigh escapes her throat.  
  
"He's such a stubborn ass..." She mutters, walking to the other side of the palace. Before she knew it she was in the feild, walking practically in a large circle. That's when she heard something in the bushes.  
  
"Link?" She said quietly, looking around the large bush, only to find...  
  
"P-Princess?" Link looks up, his arms still around Malon. Malon blinks, looking up, and blushing crimson.  
  
"LINK WHAT IN ALL THE HEAVENS ARE YOU DOING HERE WITH THE LON LON RANCH GIRL?! ARE YOU MAD?! LINK IF YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HER I'LL--"  
  
"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!! I SWEAR!!" Link shouted in defense, Malon could only giggle and blush.  
  
"Oh this is so embarrassing. I can't believe we got caught, Link!"  
  
"Liiiiiink...." Zelda softly growls, before turning away sharply and walking off. "Ass!"  
  
"Princess! Wait!! Let me explain!!" Link cried, but it was too late. The gaurd immediately came and threw both Malon and Link out of the castle garden.  
  
--------------Later- With Zelda  
  
Zelda sniffed back her tears and rubbed her eyes, laying back on her bed. After finding Link in act, all she had been able to do all night is sob. She felt betrayed, and completely humiliated. Had he faked all the feelings that he supposidly had for her? Had she been fooled the entire time? Or was this all an act just to make her jealous..It really all depends on--  
  
"You realize you're never going to figure that idiot out, right?" Ganondorf muttered to her, sitting next to her after teleporting into her room.  
  
"G-Ganondorf?!" She stumbled off her bed and got caught in the sheets, stumbling again and falling flat on her back.  
  
"Oh don't get all frantic. I've already stolen the Triforce of Wisdom while you were crying and soon I'll have the Triforce of Courage, so I have no need to harm you."  
  
"Oh, well that's good, how'd you manage that?"  
  
"Your gaurds are complete incompetant idiots."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"........................................................"  
  
"Don't stare at me, Ganondorf."  
  
"Aren't you going to yell at me or something, or call for Link? I mean, I stole back the triforce, or are you too much of an idiot to understand the THREAT to your seat of POWER this is?" Ganondorf groaned, shaking his head in pity.  
  
"Link's just a play boy and I hate him! I don't need his help."  
  
"You can't defeat me though."  
  
"That's why I'm going to make a deal with you, Ganondorf. If you make this deal with me, I'll do you a favor." Zelda gave him a smirk with this.  
  
"I'm listening..."  
  
--------------  
  
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2 


	3. Scene Problems

The Zelda Trials  
  
Story #2: Hyrule upside-down  
  
Part 2: "Scene Problems"  
  
A fine day in the land of Hy—WHAT AM I SAYING!? It's not a fine day and we're not even in Hyrule! Okay. Let's begin again.  
The Kokiri forest, a storm was brewing overhead, and everyone was in their little huts. Most slept, some watch TV, some sniffed pinecones. This is not their story. This is a story of love, agony, and betrayal...okay and maybe a few pinecones. Mm...pinecooones...  
  
"I have to apologize to Zelda SOMEHOW...But I don't even now where she WENT! I bet she's at the castle... those stupid guards were probably lying to me. AND her father. HER FATHER LOVED ME, HOW COULD HE THROW ME OUT INTO THE WILDERNESS LIKE THI-I-I-I-IS!!??"  
  
"Oh shut UP Link! You call my father's ranch WILDERNESS?"  
  
"Yes. Yes I do."  
  
"You need mental help. I can see why Zelda threw you out."  
  
"Other then us goin' second base in the bushes?"  
  
"Yeah. Other then that."  
  
"Why is it so dark in here? You can't see anything!"  
  
"It's not dark. There's just only been dialogue in this scene, so we don't have any bodies."  
  
"What a lazy-ass author..."  
  
"Yeah seriously."  
  
"LINK!!!"  
  
"What? What is it Malon?"  
  
"That wasn't me."  
  
"WELL maybe if SOMEONE gave us SIGHT here, we wouldn't have this problem!"  
  
"FINE GOD STOP GETTING ON MY BACK!!!"  
  
Malon and Link are sitting together in a nice cozy house, on a nice cozy bed, Malon on Link's lap. Malon has been shifting and rubbing him gently, and don't get it wrong, she knows exactly what she's doing, the little who-  
  
"YOU BITCH DO IT RIGHT!!!"  
  
"OKAY OKAY GOD"  
  
Okay, so Malon and Link are really sitting in a nice warm living room, with a fire in the fireplace and fuzzy blankets and poofy pillows. That are pink, and Link made them because he's OBVIOUSLY g—  
  
"HEY!!"  
  
"WOULD YOU STOP COMPLAINING?! I'LL NEVER GET THE SCENE DOWN!"  
  
"I AM NOT GAY"  
  
"Yeah right..."  
  
"Just do it right"  
  
"Fine!!!"  
  
Okay, fine. SO Malon and Link are sitting in Malon's house on the ranch, Malon is on the bed, leaning back on her pillows, while Link is sitting on a chair backwards, his arms resting on the back with his chin on his arms. There's been a sudden rustle from outside, which is where the unknown shout came.  
  
"Thank you," Link stated simply.  
  
"Let's go see who it was!" Malon hopped from her place on the bed and went running to the door, swiftly opening it. "HELLO"  
  
"GAH!!" Zelda fell back on her ass, suprized at the girl's sudden bursting entrance, as she was about to start ringing the doorbell incessantly. "Good Goddess Din!"  
  
"Din?" Link peeked out to Zelda. "I would have thought you'd have said Nayru!"  
  
--The author comes in and waves her hands wildly. "You idiots! No one but true Zelda fans would even know what you're talking about! People, The goddess Din is the goddess of power, Nayru is the goddess of Wisdom, and Farore is the goddess of courage! Okay? Good!" With that, the author runs away, dragging Inu Yasha.—  
  
"We're out of time." Link states.  
  
"We are? How do you run out of time in a fanfic?" Zelda blinks at him.  
  
"When the author has to leave" Malon states for Link.  
  
"Oh..."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...EVENTUALLY. 


End file.
